mindfulness, My First Born Experiences

On Gratitude

My Vessel Overflows with Gratitude

There are so many lovers I thought would be my last. A voice within would tell me “it’s time.” I listened, reflected, discuss, and moved on. Yet my love for these people always remained in the treasure chest of my heart. Even if they despised me for leaving, or disconnected from me after, it’s hard not to keep loving someone who you shared such intimacy, so many memories —  No matter how short and sweet the relationship was, or longer (now I’m on good terms with them). The interesting part of it all is, I see certain aspects of each relationship in the next partner. I love that. We really, truly are tied together in this web of collective unconscious. And the unconquered insecurities, doubts, etc keep arising in the next relationship. I cannot help but have such gratitude for the people who have been a part of my life.

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Until my recent (and here-to-stay) life partner, my longest was a little over a year (that’s right, you read right). I always felt the wind speak to me, and it was time to go. I always ended up feeling unworthy… the trouble maker… unable to envision a future… all these thoughts that whirlwinded in my mind — If it wasn’t for my inner voice, I wouldn’t have become who I am now. I certainly wouldn’t have found my life partner. And we wouldn’t have had Stormrider born into the earth realm.

Love can go in so many directions… and I often think about what the other alternate dimensions are like for the other versions of myself. Had I stayed together with another lover, what my life would have been like now. Or if I had chosen a certain career path, what my life would be like now… In the end, I have absolutely no regrets and no guilt hanging over me. It always returns to how I couldn’t be happier now. And I wouldn’t have had all these experiences to guide me to become who I am now. I have never been so content. I have never been with someone who I felt I wanted to spend my life with. I could have been rich. I could have been traveling the world for work. I could have remained living in Vancouver. So many “could have”s — Yet all I can feel within me is, there is something else I am destined for, and I haven’t approached that intersected with that vision yet.

“Mama, I want to be like you when I grow up. I want to be a mama. The best mama in the world. That’s what I’m growing up to be.” I used to say this as a little girl. You probably guessed, my mama is a stay at home mama. And truly, the most loving, most compassionate, most forgiving, most supportive, most curious, most outgoing, most courageous, most goofy, most thoughtful woman I have ever encountered in my life. It’s a big role to live up to. Without the experiences in my life, I don’t imagine I would have been able to be these traits for Stormrider. 

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I still envision a path alongside being the best guardian for Stormrider. I know in my heart that I’ll find a way of balancing motherhood and a creative career to help support our growing family. But gosh, I never imagined it would be so difficult to find time to work on projects while he napped. For once in my life, when I have free time, I just want quiet and stillness. What a great gift silence is. If it had a flavour, it’d be sweet. Like drinking glacier water — Sweet and refreshing. 

My vessel overflows with gratitude, the moments I have to reflect on my life so far, as I approach my 29th birthday. It brings tears to my eyes how much love I’ve been blessed with. How many challenges I was able to overcome. How much I’ve grown and blossomed. Never did I imagine I would make it to 29, and here I am — Never happier. Life is so precious. I see why people say, “Life is a gift. Cherish it.” Every moment.

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